The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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