If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
