this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
