turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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