i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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