Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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