I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
