ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
