Do you still have your period?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
