he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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