I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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