Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
