can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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