That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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