im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
