Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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