this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My penis needs a shock collar
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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