they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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