He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
even my farts smell like vagina
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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