In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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