Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
