I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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