If you die in college, do you die in real life?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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