My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
