I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
