the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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