i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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