I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
