I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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