I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
