While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
