3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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