Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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