I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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