Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
