got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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