i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Houston, we have a squirter
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize