Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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