How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
