I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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