Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
