She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My vagina just recognized that song.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
