How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
