a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she told me i tasted like america
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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