i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
