"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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