I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize