they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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