Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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