can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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