I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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