I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
