it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
