The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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