I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
