textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
