god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
