i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
