her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
