he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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