im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
