She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
