so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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