Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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