Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
